I am not big on self-help books nor have I had much success finding encouragement online.  That is why I am writing this blog; even if one person lands here and feels less alone, more hopeful, or gains any sort of encouragement from my attempts it will have been well worth the time. 

These days I am crying less, still crying, but less.  Now I am fighting something new.  I seem to be having what must be anxiety attacks that impact my heart rate, blood pressure, and state of mind.  The weight of the world literally takes my breath daily right now.  I struggle with getting stuck in the moment and not looking ahead.  I let gratitude and the appreciation for my many blessings be overcome by the weakness of my flesh and the dark shadows of my mind.  I go through this without an earthly shoulder, or ear.  My husband is not my safe place or even an empathetic presence…thus, the tears and loneliness.  Those around me are thankful for my help, my service, my contributions…. but….my opinions are too strong, I am not sensitive enough to everyone else’s emotions, my sense of humor is not appreciated, I expect too much from the people in my life, I choose to do too much…the comments are daily, the insults and harshness a norm. 

I am really tired.  I have tried so hard to earn acceptance and love for my entire life; now I fight the fear that “alone” is where I am and will be until the end of my days.  It wouldn’t be so hard, but I truly have tried to make sure no one in my life has felt alone through the most impossible situations.  After I found myself with no one in horrible circumstances as a child, I wanted to do whatever I could in my life to keep others from experiencing that feeling; the feeling that no one cares, because no one is there.  I have tried to honor the commitment to always be the “someone” for those that have “no one” and have believed I am serving God in my efforts, but maybe not.  I won’t know that for sure until the day of account, I suppose.

When You Feel Unlovable (But You Are Deeply Loved by Who Really Matters)

There are so many days when I am surrounded by people and still feel like no one would miss me if I quietly slipped away. I think about disappearing more now than any time in my life.  My youngest child is almost grown and more than capable of making it in life.  She has a deep faith and common sense.  I keep serving, showing up, and smiling, while secretly wondering if anyone really cares about me, appreciates who I am, will miss me when I am gone, or will ever love me unconditionally.  I am pretty confident that to most everyone around me, especially the one that is supposed to be my other half, my value is what I do.  So, what happens if there is a time when I can’t “do”?  The hints of what that might look like are unbearable; frightening, actually.  I am the one that works, provides insurance, is responsible for the home, pays all the bills, does all the shopping, manages the family, is there for everyone when they need anything………. the feedback is that I do it all wrong.  The pain of drowning in it all after having held out for the weight (any of the weight) to have been lifted after decades is disabling. Having to deal with everything without someone that offers empathy, encouragement, or support is more than I can bare most days.

If any of this resonates with you, this post is for you.

You are worthy of love, even when you don’t feel it.  More importantly, someone loves you even when you don’t realize it.

Feeling unlovable is usually a wound, a pattern, a strangely familiar (thus comfortable) state.  It comes from the accumulation of disappointments, betrayals, abandonment, being overlooked, not being good enough, or simply not having your needs met for far too long.  Fortunately, God is there and it is our job to seek him.

His Word calls you loved, chosen, and known.

• God’s love is steadfast and personal: “It is he who remembered us in our low estate, for his steadfast love endures forever.” (Psalm 136:23)
• He has loved you with an everlasting love: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” (Jeremiah 31:3–4)
• Your worth is anchored in His love, not people’s reactions: “We love because he first loved us.” (1 John 4:19)
• Paul prays you would grasp how loved you are: how “wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ.” (Ephesians 3:17–19)

You may feel forgotten, but Scripture insists you are seen, remembered, and deeply loved.  Our job is to read it, absorb it, memorize it, and revisit it.  I fall short in this effort but through the 21 days of prayer my church just did (and I finally participated in) I did find His word on many occasions and started down a better path.  I fought the hurt, embarrassment, and resentment of going alone so that I could make myself be focused and willing to “hear” what God had for me. I felt His presence and guidance stronger than I have in a long while. I have fallen back into work and commitments the past couple of weeks, but know that my habits need to change.  I must seek God for more than a couple minutes a day and I must prioritize some self-care to fulfill my purpose in this world.  I am lost as to what that purpose is right now, but know I need to be healthy to complete my mission.

My worth does not disappear because others fail to see it. A diamond doesn’t stop being a diamond because someone leaves it in a drawer, stomps it into the ground, or even throws it off a cliff. My value is not cancelled out by someone else’s blindness, busyness, simple lack of concern, or brokenness.  Another’s anger and aggression do not erase my feelings or value.

Under the pain, numbness, over-functioning, or the “I’m fine,” there is still a person who was made to be cherished, listened to, and held with gentleness.

That is me.  That is you. 

May I encourage you to force distraction, hurt, anger, resentment, fear, and the world in general from your mind and dive into prayer and scripture.  Just pick a spot and start; but capture every thought and approach the Word like it is going to speak to you.